HodgesReport.comConstantly Reporting on TMZ Reporter Max Hodges

Here at LTPA, it’s a sad fact of life that people in some parts of the world are not as interested in MAX HODGES non-news as people in other locations. For example, we get plenty of visitors from the Philippines every day, but Hawaiians logging on are fairly rare. Over the weekend, however, anonymous sources revealed that TMZ Kingpin Harvey Levin and/or one of his lowly henchmen likely took time away from a beautiful Hawaiian vacation to catch up on the very latest Max Hodges non-news and disinformation at HodgesReport.com. An independent check of recent visitors to the site verifies that Waimanalo, Hawaii did indeed log on to HodgesReport.com during the the specified time period. At worst, this is quite a coincidence.

… we’re just sayin.

Emotions ran high earlier this week as TMZ’s most beloved non-news anchorman MAX HODGES engaged in heated debate with cold-as-ice Judge Dreads over the deliciousness of Funnel Cakes. It all started when a comprehensive investigation, spearheaded by Hodges, hypothesized that a celebrity had eaten a funnel cake! As Hodges reported, “She got some food, and I swear it’s a funnel cake! It’s like, there’s two plates stacked on top of each other, so what else could be in there?! Good taste… if it is funnel cake, it might not be. Who knows, it’s spaghetti under there!” Judge Dreads and his collared shirt quickly decreed that funnel-cake-related pitches are not welcome on TMZ.

Max Hodges and Gold Digging Slut find great excitement when a celebrity eats a funnel cake. Judge Dreads, however, does not.

TMZ’s power house non-news rereporter MAX HODGES killed it in his favorite brownish flannel as he took home victory yesterday, presenting a bountiful amount of in-depth reporting like a celebrity walking to her car, a celebrity leaving the gym, and a dog on a swing (bonus points for the dog story). Shown at left, Droop Doggy Dog looks on as Max prepares a Kung Fu non-news death blow, shouting “SOPHIE MONK, SHE WAS OUT AND ABOUT YESTERDAY!” Some of Hodges’ most valuable and insightful commentary came during a discussion about a photo of pop singer Bono, where he revealed “Bono is in U2. U2 is, like, a middle aged rock band. He’s sporting his winter tan, too, in the middle of summer… in September.”

Wednesday’s Story Count: -MAX HODGES: 8 -Gold Digging Slut: 5 -Dax Fashion: 3 -Big Mama: 3 -Droop Doggy Dog: 3 -Chubby Glasses: 2 -Groucho Glasses: 2 -Curly Squeaky: 2 -Lane Meyer: 2 -Pippi Longstalker: 1 -Chubby Spikey: 1

A very exclusive LTPA investigation aimed at revealing the reason why TMZ’s MAX HODGES is only ever shown in “sitting on desk” position has uncovered a shocking secret that will rock the celebrity news reporter non-news world! The program’s unfortunate viewers, along with the readers of this website, know that Hodges is always the center of attention. But what no one ever suspected is that he’s also the centaur of attention! TMZ production staff has been hiding Hodges’ horse half with desks, cubicles, camera techniques, and lesser employees. When cameras are not rolling, however, sources reveal that Max is great fun around the office, offering centaur rides for only fifty cents*. It’s not all fun and games, though, as Balding Lisping explains: “Sometimes he takes gigantic dumps in my cubicle… but overall it’s kinda neat working with a mythical half-man half-beast.” This discovery sheds light on Hodges’ aversion to shirts and the enormous weekly carrot deliveries at TMZ headquarters. *($0.75 for Chubby Spikey, Chubby Ballcap, and Chubby Glasses)

TMZ’s most disgraceful anchorperson, MAX HODGES, has recently caught the eye of… someone in Bolivia. This is a big step for HodgesReport.com, as we were previously unable to reach the elusive Bolivian market. LTPA would like to take this opportunity to welcome our new reader from the Estado Plurinacional de Bolivia. When reached for comment, a bewildered Max Hodges exclaimed “Bolivia? Sorry, I don’t know who that is.” In an unrelated story, sources have informed us that Max Hodges did laundry this weekend and also ate at a Jack in the Box. This means we can all look forward to some top-of-the-cycle shirts coming up very soon!

Harvey Levin does a shocked double take to get a better look at someone he thought was Helen Hunt walking out of a hotel lobby.

Sources report TMZ Toolmaster Harvey Levin is enjoying some much needed time away from Los Angeles… much needed by the rest of LA, that is. A friend says that Levin, who reportedly maintains a ridiculously strict tanning regiment, is frolicking around the Hawaiian Islands and likely enjoying alcoholic beverages. It is believed that Horrible Harvey will also be partaking in a variety of other activities typically of great interest to TMZ reporters:

-Eating at restaurants
-Riding in cabs
-Going to the beach
-Walking through airports
-Buying pants
-and much, much more…

Stay tuned for developments in this EXCITING piece of non-news to see who will get to hold Harvey’s dry erase marker today!

Chubby Spikey sports last Thursday’s black T while refusing to admit what his paymaster is guzzling down each morning.

TMZ’s often underrated and always overweight Chubby Spikey fielded some questions in a wide angle live stream just moments ago. In the broadcast’s strange and desperate last moments, the sweaty beast went to great lengths assuring viewers that Toolmaster Harvey Levin is not drunk during morning meetings. Levin’s overly dramatic reactions to things like celebrities eating sandwiches and walking to their cars seem to have made viewers suspicious about what’s in his sippy cup. According to Chub Spike, the contents of Harvey’s secret sauce cocktail may be revealed next season. … Sadly, this comment hints that there may be another “season” of TMZ on the way after this one. Damn.

Today we received this heartfelt letter from a girl who calls herself “italianbitch20.” She gets a bit worked up if TMZ’s biggest Hodges MAX HODGES is being made fun of.

italianbitch20,
OMG, thanx for writing to us! It was totally awesome to get your note…
laterz!
-LTPA

On August 25th, 2009, TMZ’s biggest Hodges MAX HODGES presented a gripping tale of a celebrity wearing a t-shirt. The investigation left almost no stone unturned as Hodges recited three fourths of the writing on the shirt, “lies lies lies,” opting to leave out the fourth and arguably most critical word, “lies.” It remains unclear who actually read the shirt to Hodges, but not-so-secret-admirer Curly Squeaky is suspected to be the Bernstein to Max’s Woodward.

Note the graphic handgun on Hodges’ t-shirt pointing at the peaceful and unsuspecting Droop.
In an almost unbelievable chain of coincidences, Max Hodges wore a t-shirt during his report on this celebrity’s t-shirt. Even more erie is the fact that Hodges’ t-shirt featured a gun seemingly pointed at Droop Doggy Dog, who ALSO was wearing a t-shirt… and get this: Droop Doggy Dog’s t-shirt featured a peace sign! In the end, it seems Hodges’ t-shirt investigation raised more questions than it answered.

Hodges Report on Twitter
… better late than never. All you MAX HODGES fanatics who want more than our limited means have enabled us to provide lately, let the tweeting begin. Now that we’ve set up a Twitter account, it will be much easier to get you the Hodges news, information, speculation, and fabrication you need to know right when you need to know it! If the TMZ Superstar Sleuthmachine spends several minutes trying to understand the parking restrictions printed on a street sign only to eventually question a local store owner for answers, you’ll hear about it here:
http://www.twitter.com/HodgesReport