Emotions ran high earlier this week as TMZ’s most beloved non-news anchorman MAX HODGES engaged in heated debate with cold-as-ice Judge Dreads over the deliciousness of Funnel Cakes. It all started when a comprehensive investigation, spearheaded by Hodges, hypothesized that a celebrity had eaten a funnel cake! As Hodges reported, “She got some food, and I swear it’s a funnel cake! It’s like, there’s two plates stacked on top of each other, so what else could be in there?! Good taste… if it is funnel cake, it might not be. Who knows, it’s spaghetti under there!” Judge Dreads and his collared shirt quickly decreed that funnel-cake-related pitches are not welcome on TMZ.
TMZ’s power house non-news rereporter MAX HODGES killed it in his favorite brownish flannel as he took home victory yesterday, presenting a bountiful amount of in-depth reporting like a celebrity walking to her car, a celebrity leaving the gym, and a dog on a swing (bonus points for the dog story). Shown at left, Droop Doggy Dog looks on as Max prepares a Kung Fu non-news death blow, shouting “SOPHIE MONK, SHE WAS OUT AND ABOUT YESTERDAY!” Some of Hodges’ most valuable and insightful commentary came during a discussion about a photo of pop singer Bono, where he revealed “Bono is in U2. U2 is, like, a middle aged rock band. He’s sporting his winter tan, too, in the middle of summer… in September.”
On August 25th, 2009, TMZ’s biggest Hodges MAX HODGES presented a gripping tale of a celebrity wearing a t-shirt. The investigation left almost no stone unturned as Hodges recited three fourths of the writing on the shirt, “lies lies lies,” opting to leave out the fourth and arguably most critical word, “lies.” It remains unclear who actually read the shirt to Hodges, but not-so-secret-admirer Curly Squeaky is suspected to be the Bernstein to Max’s Woodward.
Note the graphic handgun on Hodges’ t-shirt pointing at the peaceful and unsuspecting Droop.
In an almost unbelievable chain of coincidences, Max Hodges wore a t-shirt during his report on this celebrity’s t-shirt. Even more erie is the fact that Hodges’t-shirt featured a gun seemingly pointed at Droop Doggy Dog, who ALSO was wearing a t-shirt… and get this: Droop Doggy Dog’s t-shirt featured a peace sign! In the end, it seems Hodges’ t-shirt investigation raised more questions than it answered.
Hodges Report on Twitter
… better late than never. All you MAX HODGES fanatics who want more than our limited means have enabled us to provide lately, let the tweeting begin. Now that we’ve set up a Twitter account, it will be much easier to get you the Hodges news, information, speculation, and fabrication you need to know right when you need to know it! If the TMZ Superstar Sleuthmachine spends several minutes trying to understand the parking restrictions printed on a street sign only to eventually question a local store owner for answers, you’ll hear about it here: http://www.twitter.com/HodgesReport
Last week TMZ’s fan favorite “reporter” MAX HODGES seemingly wondered aloud if a celebrity walking to his car is really such a big deal. In the video, Hodges is heard saying “I cannot believe there are still hundreds of girls waiting to see Robert Pattinson… it’s insane, I just can’t believe it! He walks to the car, THAT’S IT!“ The comments are unexpected coming from someone who earns his meager livelihood reporting non-news minutia about celebrities walking to their cars every day.
Hodges’ analysis of the footage is strikingly similar to LTPA Spokesperson Gus’ description of paparazzi harassing John Mayer in the LTPA Introductory Video, even ending with the same bewildered “that’s it! Toolmaster Harvey Levin went on to explain that people who become obsessed with actors and wait around to catch a glimpse of them doing mundane things have minds “not rooted in reality.” This is a pretty good description of his entire staff.
This week TMZ’s MAX HODGES made an attempt to call another blonde stupid. Taking a page from the book of Biff Tannen, Hodges lashed out at a blonde woman who didn’t know Paris Hilton’s boyfriend’s name, saying that she’s “not the smartest tree on the bush.” Several seconds later, Max began to realize that his moronic utterance made no sense at all and tried to redeem himself with a sad “not the smartest leaf on the tree,” which also makes little-to-no sense. Generally one tree is not considered “smarter” than the other, let alone one leaf of a tree being smarter than others. LTPA would like to suggest a few alternatives for Max to consider next time.
-Max Hodges is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
-Max Hodges couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
-Max Hodges is as sharp as a wet sponge, and twice as smart.
Of course, anything we suggest in print is hopeless, as all reports suggest Hodges can’t read. Many believe Hodges’ idiocy may be an intentional ploy to boost his “celebrity douche bag” status. When questioned about this claim, Hodges replied “What the hell does ‘ploy’ mean?”
TMZ’s MAX HODGES was released from a Las Vegas jail today after rushing on stage and attempting to grab Bette Midler during her performance at Ceasers Palace. Witnesses say Hodges gained access to the show with a front row ticket and a breakaway tuxedo. After singing along to every word of every song, Max finally rushed the stage during encore, grabbed Midler by the arm and shouted “Do you like Jessica Simpson’s new album?! HAVE YOU SEEN NICOLE KIDMAN’S NEW BABY?!?!” After being arrested, Hodges explained to the police that it was all part of “a secret journalist expedition!” Prosecutors decided a jury would never convict such a simple minded Bette Midler fanatic and released Hodges without further questioning.
MAX HODGES talked about his estranged brothers yesterday on TMZ. As reported in our September 9th edition, Hodges is still understandably angry about being kicked out of the Hanson family due to his overwhelming lack of talent. Twenty-one years later, Hodges finally got the revenge he’s been waiting for by calling the youngest Hanson, now 22, the “geekiest guy ever.”Hodges went on, describing how seeing his brother felt very “uncomfortable and weird, like junior high.” Pictured to the right is Hodges’ uncomfortable and weird first day of junior high.
Yesterday’s TMZ viewers were treated to an unexpected bit of verbal imagery as MAX HODGES poetically painted the majesty of this Great Nation with his beautiful, meaningful, and profound words. Always one to go the extra journalistic mile, Hodges also helped raise awareness for “some breast cancer event” about which he was reporting. 4 out of 5 people forced to sit near Hodges agree: “he’s definitely not joking.“
Here’s the transcript of Hodges’ actual report: Hodges: “Braaaas!!! Tons of bras in Washington, DC. There was some breast cancer event and they just laid bras out all over that… what is that lake?… the reflection pond? right next to the big old statue that looks like a you know what… the building?” Coworker: “The Washington Monument?” Hodges: (with confidence) “The Washington Monument.” Harvey: (head down, exasperated) “Oh, God help this country.” Hodges: (laughs and smiles, not understanding) Harvey: “Are you serious?! ‘What is that lake?!”” Hodges: (laughs again) “That lake, you know. I’ve been there once when I was a kid. Give me a break!”
This is an actual quote from yesterdays episode… really… we didn’t make this up.
MAX HODGES presented an in depth report yesterday culminating in the revelation that “some people don’t live to be 63.” This news sent shockwaves through the medical community, prompting doctors to change countless diagnoses from “very very sleepy” to “dead.”
Max Hodges explains that “some people don’t live to be 63.”
TMZ’s power house non-news rereporter MAX HODGES killed it in his favorite brownish flannel as he took home victory yesterday, presenting a bountiful amount of in-depth reporting like a celebrity walking to her car, a celebrity leaving the gym, and a dog on a swing (bonus points for the dog story). Shown at left, Droop Doggy Dog looks on as Max prepares a Kung Fu non-news death blow, shouting “SOPHIE MONK, SHE WAS OUT AND ABOUT YESTERDAY!” Some of Hodges’ most valuable and insightful commentary came during a discussion about a photo of pop singer Bono, where he revealed “Bono is in U2. U2 is, like, a middle aged rock band. He’s sporting his winter tan, too, in the middle of summer… in September.”
