A very exclusive LTPA investigation aimed at revealing the reason why TMZ’s MAX HODGES is only ever shown in “sitting on desk” position has uncovered a shocking secret that will rock the celebrity news reporter non-news world! The program’s unfortunate viewers, along with the readers of this website, know that Hodges is always the center of attention. But what no one ever suspected is that he’s also the centaur of attention! TMZ production staff has been hiding Hodges’ horse half with desks, cubicles, camera techniques, and lesser employees. When cameras are not rolling, however, sources reveal that Max is great fun around the office, offering centaur rides for only fifty cents*. It’s not all fun and games, though, as Balding Lisping explains: “Sometimes he takes gigantic dumps in my cubicle… but overall it’s kinda neat working with a mythical half-man half-beast.” This discovery sheds light on Hodges’ aversion to shirts and the enormous weekly carrot deliveries at TMZ headquarters.
*($0.75 for Chubby Spikey, Chubby Ballcap, and Chubby Glasses)
On August 25th, 2009, TMZ’s biggest Hodges MAX HODGES presented a gripping tale of a celebrity wearing a t-shirt. The investigation left almost no stone unturned as Hodges recited three fourths of the writing on the shirt, “lies lies lies,” opting to leave out the fourth and arguably most critical word, “lies.” It remains unclear who actually read the shirt to Hodges, but not-so-secret-admirer Curly Squeaky is suspected to be the Bernstein to Max’s Woodward.
Note the graphic handgun on Hodges’ t-shirt pointing at the peaceful and unsuspecting Droop.
In an almost unbelievable chain of coincidences, Max Hodges wore a t-shirt during his report on this celebrity’s t-shirt. Even more erie is the fact that Hodges’t-shirt featured a gun seemingly pointed at Droop Doggy Dog, who ALSO was wearing a t-shirt… and get this: Droop Doggy Dog’s t-shirt featured a peace sign! In the end, it seems Hodges’ t-shirt investigation raised more questions than it answered.
Hodges Report on Twitter
… better late than never. All you MAX HODGES fanatics who want more than our limited means have enabled us to provide lately, let the tweeting begin. Now that we’ve set up a Twitter account, it will be much easier to get you the Hodges news, information, speculation, and fabrication you need to know right when you need to know it! If the TMZ Superstar Sleuthmachine spends several minutes trying to understand the parking restrictions printed on a street sign only to eventually question a local store owner for answers, you’ll hear about it here: http://www.twitter.com/HodgesReport
Recent reports suggest that TMZ fan favorite MAX HODGES may be having a hard time handling the stress of being Hollywood’s most dim-witted non-news reporter. It’s been suggested by some that Hodges is unable to detach himself from his work when he leaves the office, constantly offering up meaningless narration of what’s going on around him. “Max just needs to relax somehow,” says a coworker speaking on the condition of anonymity, “I mean, there’s usually nothing newsworthy about the checkout line at Vons, but he can’t stop reporting on it. He’s like, I got this guy in front of me at Vons, and the dude is totally losing his hair. It does NOT look good. But the best part is he’s got like, 5 packages of these huge steaks… I mean, the dude is grillin!” This non-stop non-news reporting has landed Hodges in hot water in places like the gym, the movie theater, and public restrooms.
Shown above, a woman confronts Max Hodges in a coffee shop, demanding to know why he’s verbalizing every little thing that transpires. She refutes part of Hodges’ report on her caramel latte order, saying “There’s nothing wrong with this blouse, you idiot.”
We all already know what TMZ’s MAX HODGES thinks about gay marriage. Now, in a shocking discussion with his non-news cohorts the “fan favorite” has revealed that he himself will not wed for at least another 20 YEARS! Unconfirmed sources suggest Hodges’ reasoning could be “there are just too many baby babes out there just being born who are gonna be super hot in 19 or 20 years.” This would land Hodges squarely at 48 years of age before he’s ready to tie the knot. Upon hearing this news, Chubby Ballcap screamed “MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU, HODGES,” and waddled out of the room.
TMZ’s MAX HODGES was partying down in Miami recently with buddy Vince Shlomi of ShamWow fame. The night was nothing unusual (appletinis and tickle fights) until things took a strange turn around 3am. As reported by the Orlando Sentinel Shlomi paid a woman $1000 for “straight sex,” presumably because he was bored with what Hodges had to offer. Sources report overhearing Max tell the prostitute “Shlomi’s tongue is delicious!”Hodges was in the room when the violent tongue-biting occurred, commenting to Schlomi “Well, it’s not the worst hooker experience I’ve tried to film. Sham wow? More like Shlomi Ow… that’s funny, right?… Vince?”
TMZ’s MAX HODGES has announced plans to release an album of his favorite classical trumpet fugues. The album is being recorded in the Serbian city of Guča, where Hodges has become an international sensation at the yearly Guča Trumpet Festival. Sources close to the project say production has been slowed due to Max’s uncontrollable weeping while trying to play Reisner’s Polka and Fugue. When reached for comment about the album, Hodges said “my trumpet is like a part of my body… and I was born to blow it.”
Seen above is the comment Hodges left on a high school girl’s Myspace wall.
TMZ’s MAX HODGES is no stranger to Myspace correspondences. This case, however, is cause for a raised eyebrow or two. Hidden among the many comments about Sadie Hawkins dance, Graduating, sleepovers, and Winter Formal on the Myspace wall of a 17 year old Pico Rivera high school student, the 27 year old Hodges inconspicuously writes “I like your pictures.” This could mean one of many things:
-A lover of Ansel Adams, Hodges probably really enjoyed her camping photos.
-Being the sports nut he is, Max got caught up in her volleyball team photo.
-Maybe he’s interested in recruiting her to photograph celebrities doing everyday things. -Perhaps Hodges just enjoys pictures in general because they don’t involve reading.
President-elect Obama announced late last night that TMZ’s MAX HODGES is his administrations new pick for the position of White House Press Secretary. About the appointment, Obama commented “Max’s class, grace, eloquence, and articulation are second to none.” When facing the White House Press Corps, it is believed Hodges will also update the Nation if John Mayer drives his car, Steve Martin goes to the beach, or Reese Witherspoon eats in a Mexican restaurant. Shown at right during his first day of orientation, Hodges fields questions about his lopsided haircut.
