Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Real Hodges, TMZ | Posted on 09-01-2009
Harvey Levin does a shocked double take to get a better look at someone he thought was Helen Hunt walking out of a hotel lobby.
Sources report TMZ Toolmaster Harvey Levin is enjoying some much needed time away from Los Angeles… much needed by the rest of LA, that is. A friend says that Levin, who reportedly maintains a ridiculously strict tanning regiment, is frolicking around the Hawaiian Islands and likely enjoying alcoholic beverages. It is believed that Horrible Harvey will also be partaking in a variety of other activities typically of great interest to TMZ reporters:
-Eating at restaurants
-Riding in cabs
-Going to the beach
-Walking through airports
-Buying pants
-and much, much more…
Stay tuned for developments in this EXCITING piece of non-news to see who will get to hold Harvey’s dry erase marker today!
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Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Real Hodges, TMZ | Posted on 08-31-2009
Chubby Spikey sports last Thursday’s black T while refusing to admit what his paymaster is guzzling down each morning.
TMZ’s often underrated and always overweight Chubby Spikey fielded some questions in a wide angle live stream just moments ago. In the broadcast’s strange and desperate last moments, the sweaty beast went to great lengths assuring viewers that Toolmaster Harvey Levin is not drunk during morning meetings. Levin’s overly dramatic reactions to things like celebrities eating sandwiches and walking to their cars seem to have made viewers suspicious about what’s in his sippy cup. According to Chub Spike, the contents of Harvey’s secret sauce cocktail may be revealed next season. … Sadly, this comment hints that there may be another “season” of TMZ on the way after this one. Damn.
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TMZ’s fan favorite “reporter” MAX HODGES dug deep on Monday, pathetically searching for any way to salvage a story count victory. As we’ve been seeing more and more, however, Hodges could not capture the coveted title. This time the champion was Chubby Ballcap, the sweaty, pudgy, pigeon-toed smoker. Reports suggest Ballcap turns his black t-shirts inside out after several days worth of wearing them so he can continue dawning the fattering attire for several more days. True or not, we congratulate this bulbous behemoth of bad non-news on his first ever story count victory.
Chubby Ballcap vs. Max Hodges, 7/13/2009
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Monday’s Story Count, 7/13/09
-Chubby Ballcap: 6
-Max Hodges: 5
-Dax Fashion: 3
-Gold Digging Slut: 3
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 3
-Curly Squeaky: 3
-Droop Doggy Dog: 2
-Lane Meyer: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 1
-Chubby Glasses: 1
-Chubby Spikey: 1
-Balding Lisping: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
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Due to feedback regarding today’s ruling in favor of Max Hodges for Friday’s story count matchup against Dax Fashion, we would like to clarify the decision by examining how the story count rules originated. From this day forth to be referred to as the “Horse in Pool Rule,” a story about an animal doing something unusual is given more consideration than a story about a person doing something people typically do.
Link: Flashback, 10/22/08 – See Where the Rule Originated
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Last week TMZ’s fan favorite “reporter” MAX HODGES seemingly wondered aloud if a celebrity walking to his car is really such a big deal. In the video, Hodges is heard saying “I cannot believe there are still hundreds of girls waiting to see Robert Pattinson… it’s insane, I just can’t believe it! He walks to the car, THAT’S IT!“ The comments are unexpected coming from someone who earns his meager livelihood reporting non-news minutia about celebrities walking to their cars every day.
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Hodges’ analysis of the footage is strikingly similar to LTPA Spokesperson Gus’ description of paparazzi harassing John Mayer in the LTPA Introductory Video, even ending with the same bewildered “that’s it! Toolmaster Harvey Levin went on to explain that people who become obsessed with actors and wait around to catch a glimpse of them doing mundane things have minds “not rooted in reality.” This is a pretty good description of his entire staff.
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Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in TMZ | Posted on 07-14-2009
Last week someone turned a TMZ cameraboy’s camera around, giving us all a shocking glimpse of a creature who actually goes out into the city to point bright lights in people’s faces and ask ridiculous questions. We’d like to share our observations of this guy with you. These characteristics may help you identify a TMZ cameraboy in case someday you’re bombarded with stupid questions while trying to eat a sandwich, walk to your car, or bring your child to the park.
For additional information on TMZ cameraboys, click here.
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Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Story Counts, TMZ | Posted on 07-14-2009
In keeping with our “better late than never” journalism philosophy, here’s a quick update on the story count battles that took place at the end of last week.
On Thursday MAX HODGES reclaimed his title as Non-News’ Most Fancy Boy with a disgraceful score of nine, narrowly edging out hair gel bandit Dax Fashion’s hefty seven points. Judge Dreads and his Droop Doggy Dog each earned five points.
On Friday it was business as usual as Max and Dax battled it out, each trying to worst the other. In the end, Hodges won by a nose… a baby elephant’s nose, that is. Despite TMZ striving to “own the best stories in Hollywood,” Harvey’s henchmen are well aware that story count regulations state the following: “stories about horses are worth more than stories about people, and in a tie, a horse story can decide the winner.” Although an elephant is most decidedly not a horse, story count officials have ruled that the elephant story breaks the tie in favor of Hodges.
Thursday’s Story Count
-MAX HODGES: 9:
-Dax Fashion: 7
-Judge Dreads: 5
-Droop Doggy Dog: 5
-Gold Digging Slut: 2
-Cake Decorator: 1
-Count Mustachio: 1
-Chubby Ballcap: 1
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
-Curly Squeaky: 1
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Friday’s Story Count
-MAX HODGES: 5.5
-Dax Fashion: 5
-Droop Doggy Dog: 4
-Judge Dreads: 3
-Groucho Glasses: 2
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 2
-Cake Decorator: 1
-Chubby Spikey: 1
-Balding Lisping: 1
-Deliverance: 1
-Count Mustachio: 1
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Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Story Counts, TMZ | Posted on 07-08-2009
Tuesday’s TMZ was another eye-opening look into the sweaty depths of Hollywood’s hottest stories. Fan favorite MAX HODGES delivered the inside scoop, breaking stories like “A Baby Elephant Born at the Zoo,” and revealed shocking paparazzi footage of A Celebrity Walking Around the Outside of Her House, when he offered his insightful commentary “I just don’t understand why she’s so upset about all this attention!” One thing you can bet Hodges DOES understand: The more articulate and better dressed Judge Dreads is out to get him!
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Tuesday’s Story Count, 7/7/09
-Judge Dreads: 5 (High five!)
-Max Hodges: 5
-Gold Digging Slut: 4
-Chubby Spikey: 4
-Dax Fashion: 3
-Droop Doggy Dog: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 2
-Groucho Glasses: 2
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 2
-Lane Meyer: 1
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Monday’s episode of TMZ found challenger Dax Fashion racing head to head with TMZ fan favorite MAX HODGES. Dax Fashion matched Hodges story for story with hard hitting pieces of journalism like A Celebrity Has a Skinned Knee, and Celebrities Taking a Walk Along the Beach. In the end, Hodges was unable to best the hair gel hero, even by breaking the biggest stories in Hollywood, like A Celebrity Picking Up Take-Out Food and A Celebrity Walking to His Car.
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Monday’s Story Count, 7/6/09
-Dax Fashion: 5
-Max Hodges: 5
-Gold Digging Slut: 4
-Droop Doggy Dog: 3
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 1
-Curly Squeaky: 1
-Count Mustachio: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
-Judge Dreads: 1
-Groucho Glasses: 1
-Chubby Pasty: 1
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