TMZ’s power house non-news rereporter MAX HODGES killed it in his favorite brownish flannel as he took home victory yesterday, presenting a bountiful amount of in-depth reporting like a celebrity walking to her car, a celebrity leaving the gym, and a dog on a swing (bonus points for the dog story). Shown at left, Droop Doggy Dog looks on as Max prepares a Kung Fu non-news death blow, shouting “SOPHIE MONK, SHE WAS OUT AND ABOUT YESTERDAY!” Some of Hodges’ most valuable and insightful commentary came during a discussion about a photo of pop singer Bono, where he revealed “Bono is in U2. U2 is, like, a middle aged rock band. He’s sporting his winter tan, too, in the middle of summer… in September.”
Wednesday’s Story Count:
-MAX HODGES: 8
-Gold Digging Slut: 5
-Dax Fashion: 3
-Big Mama: 3
-Droop Doggy Dog: 3
-Chubby Glasses: 2
-Groucho Glasses: 2
-Curly Squeaky: 2
-Lane Meyer: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 1
-Chubby Spikey: 1
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TMZ’s fan favorite “reporter” MAX HODGES dug deep on Monday, pathetically searching for any way to salvage a story count victory. As we’ve been seeing more and more, however, Hodges could not capture the coveted title. This time the champion was Chubby Ballcap, the sweaty, pudgy, pigeon-toed smoker. Reports suggest Ballcap turns his black t-shirts inside out after several days worth of wearing them so he can continue dawning the fattering attire for several more days. True or not, we congratulate this bulbous behemoth of bad non-news on his first ever story count victory.
Chubby Ballcap vs. Max Hodges, 7/13/2009
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Monday’s Story Count, 7/13/09
-Chubby Ballcap: 6
-Max Hodges: 5
-Dax Fashion: 3
-Gold Digging Slut: 3
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 3
-Curly Squeaky: 3
-Droop Doggy Dog: 2
-Lane Meyer: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 1
-Chubby Glasses: 1
-Chubby Spikey: 1
-Balding Lisping: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
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Due to feedback regarding today’s ruling in favor of Max Hodges for Friday’s story count matchup against Dax Fashion, we would like to clarify the decision by examining how the story count rules originated. From this day forth to be referred to as the “Horse in Pool Rule,” a story about an animal doing something unusual is given more consideration than a story about a person doing something people typically do.
Link: Flashback, 10/22/08 – See Where the Rule Originated
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Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Story Counts, TMZ | Posted on 07-14-2009
In keeping with our “better late than never” journalism philosophy, here’s a quick update on the story count battles that took place at the end of last week.
On Thursday MAX HODGES reclaimed his title as Non-News’ Most Fancy Boy with a disgraceful score of nine, narrowly edging out hair gel bandit Dax Fashion’s hefty seven points. Judge Dreads and his Droop Doggy Dog each earned five points.
On Friday it was business as usual as Max and Dax battled it out, each trying to worst the other. In the end, Hodges won by a nose… a baby elephant’s nose, that is. Despite TMZ striving to “own the best stories in Hollywood,” Harvey’s henchmen are well aware that story count regulations state the following: “stories about horses are worth more than stories about people, and in a tie, a horse story can decide the winner.” Although an elephant is most decidedly not a horse, story count officials have ruled that the elephant story breaks the tie in favor of Hodges.
Thursday’s Story Count
-MAX HODGES: 9:
-Dax Fashion: 7
-Judge Dreads: 5
-Droop Doggy Dog: 5
-Gold Digging Slut: 2
-Cake Decorator: 1
-Count Mustachio: 1
-Chubby Ballcap: 1
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
-Curly Squeaky: 1
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Friday’s Story Count
-MAX HODGES: 5.5
-Dax Fashion: 5
-Droop Doggy Dog: 4
-Judge Dreads: 3
-Groucho Glasses: 2
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 2
-Cake Decorator: 1
-Chubby Spikey: 1
-Balding Lisping: 1
-Deliverance: 1
-Count Mustachio: 1
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Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Story Counts, TMZ | Posted on 07-08-2009
Tuesday’s TMZ was another eye-opening look into the sweaty depths of Hollywood’s hottest stories. Fan favorite MAX HODGES delivered the inside scoop, breaking stories like “A Baby Elephant Born at the Zoo,” and revealed shocking paparazzi footage of A Celebrity Walking Around the Outside of Her House, when he offered his insightful commentary “I just don’t understand why she’s so upset about all this attention!” One thing you can bet Hodges DOES understand: The more articulate and better dressed Judge Dreads is out to get him!
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Tuesday’s Story Count, 7/7/09
-Judge Dreads: 5 (High five!)
-Max Hodges: 5
-Gold Digging Slut: 4
-Chubby Spikey: 4
-Dax Fashion: 3
-Droop Doggy Dog: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 2
-Groucho Glasses: 2
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 2
-Lane Meyer: 1
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Monday’s episode of TMZ found challenger Dax Fashion racing head to head with TMZ fan favorite MAX HODGES. Dax Fashion matched Hodges story for story with hard hitting pieces of journalism like A Celebrity Has a Skinned Knee, and Celebrities Taking a Walk Along the Beach. In the end, Hodges was unable to best the hair gel hero, even by breaking the biggest stories in Hollywood, like A Celebrity Picking Up Take-Out Food and A Celebrity Walking to His Car.
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Monday’s Story Count, 7/6/09
-Dax Fashion: 5
-Max Hodges: 5
-Gold Digging Slut: 4
-Droop Doggy Dog: 3
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 1
-Curly Squeaky: 1
-Count Mustachio: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
-Judge Dreads: 1
-Groucho Glasses: 1
-Chubby Pasty: 1
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Friday’s episode of TMZ was a battle royale of non-news tomfoolery. Despite his best efforts,
MAX HODGES was unable to defeat Dax Fashion or Judge Dreads. At one point,
Hodges became so flustered he referred to a baby as a
“Twenty-one month year old.” At this time last year, Dax Fashion was considered the prime contender to challenge
Hodges for the title of non-news nitwit extraordinaire. In recent months, however, he has settled complacently into a supporting role, only to emerge late last week to seek The Title once again. Judge Dreads has been giving
Hodges a run for his money. The chime-in master scores more points than any other non-news non-personality, and last Thursday beat
Max into humiliating submission with a crushing victory.
Thursday’s Story Count, 7/2/09
-Dax Fashion: 6
-Judge Dreads: 6
-Max Hodges: 6
-Gold Digging Slut: 5
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 4
-Chubby Ballcap: 3
-Pippi Longstalker: 3
-Big Momma: 2
-Droop Doggy Dog: 1
-Chubby Spikey: 1
-Balding Lisping: 1
-Curly Squeaky: 1
-Chubby Glasses: 1
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Shown above, Dax Fashion reacts to speculation that he may have won the day’s Story Count Title, flailing his arms and jumping up and down as the results are tallied
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He’s done it! On Thursday’s episode of TMZ, JUDGE DREADS sentenced MAX HODGES to a humiliating defeat at the hands of Dreads, Chubby Ballcap, and Gold Digging Slut. Coming in with an astounding 6 points (all of which were chime-ins, of course), the Judge was unquestionably the non-news MVP and performed almost as disgracefully as Hodges usually does. We couldn’t be happier for him. Other noteable non-news performances came from Chubby Ballcap and Gold Digging slut, who left Hodges in the dust with scores of 5 and 4, respectively. With a story count total of only 3 points, Hodges was unable break free from challenger Dax Fashion or mangy mutt Droop Doggy Dog.
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Typically the most prominent non-news presenter featured on TMZ’s daily broadcast of uneventful footage, on Thursday MAX HODGES performed like a fat old man in a jumping jacks contest (typically Chubby Spikey’s job). Before Thursday’s filming began, we’re told Hodges glared at Judge Dreads from across the room, saying “You better keep your mouth shut during my stories, Dreads!” When reached for comment, Judge Dreads explained “Oh, I didn’t think anything of it. That’s how Hodges greets me every morning.” After the morning meeting, Hodges spent an hour arguing with the Judge over who’s shirt has more stripes.
Thursday’s Story Count, 7/2/09
-Judge Dreads: 6
-Chubby Ballcap: 5
-Gold Digging Slut: 4
-Droop Doggy Dog: 3
-Dax Fashion: 3
-Max Hodges: 3
-Chubby Glasses: 2
-Chubby Spikey: 2
-Pippi Longstalker: 2
-Big Mamma: 2
-Balding Lisping: 2
-Curly Squeaky: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
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Hodges demands to know how many stripes are on the Judge’s shirt, taunting “Mine’s got 24, Dreads… beat THAT!”
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Fan Favorite and prince of urinal journalism Max Hodges was unable to maintain his dominance of the Story Counts last week. This opened the door for several other unproductive members of Harvey’s Harem to deal a deadly blow to Hodges’ massively overestimated worth as a TV non-news non-personality. If there’s one TMZ non-news reporter who never actually reports a damn thing, but has somehow carved out a brain-numbing career for himself as a guy who sometimes comments on random, meaningless stories, it’s Judge Dreads. We love to see Judge Dreads put up a good fight in the story counts for the simple reason that he’s not MAX HODGES. With this in mind, last week was truly a delight! With seemingly no effort at all, Dreads went from a pathetic and embarrassing last place finish on Monday to a decisive, commanding lead on Thursday.
Tuesday’s Story Count, 6/30/09
-MAX HODGES: 6
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 4
-Judge Dreads: 3
-Dax Fashion: 2
-Droop Doggy Dog: 2
-Big Mamma: 2
-Gold Digging Slut: 2
-Chubby Ballcap: 2
-Chubby Glasses: 1
-Chubby Spikey: 1
-Cake Decorator: 1
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Wednesday’s Story Count, 7/1/09
-Judge Dreads: 5
-Max Hodges: 5
-Dax Fashion: 4
-Nasal Spray Bandit: 3
-Big Mamma: 3
-Chubby Spikey: 2
-Gold Digging Slut: 2
-Balding Lisping: 2
-Droop Doggy Dog: 1
-Chubby Glasses: 1
-Nameless Moron: 1
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