A very exclusive LTPA investigation aimed at revealing the reason why TMZ’s MAX HODGES is only ever shown in “sitting on desk” position has uncovered a shocking secret that will rock the celebrity news reporter non-news world! The program’s unfortunate viewers, along with the readers of this website, know that Hodges is always the center of attention. But what no one ever suspected is that he’s also the centaur of attention! TMZ production staff has been hiding Hodges’ horse half with desks, cubicles, camera techniques, and lesser employees. When cameras are not rolling, however, sources reveal that Max is great fun around the office, offering centaur rides for only fifty cents*. It’s not all fun and games, though, as Balding Lisping explains: “Sometimes he takes gigantic dumps in my cubicle… but overall it’s kinda neat working with a mythical half-man half-beast.” This discovery sheds light on Hodges’ aversion to shirts and the enormous weekly carrot deliveries at TMZ headquarters.
*($0.75 for Chubby Spikey, Chubby Ballcap, and Chubby Glasses)
Today TMZ’s MAX HODGES unveiled his latest invention, the Scan N Tan. Tired of seeing sickly people without a desirable toasty bronze hue, Hodges has created a revolutionary MRI Machine/Tanning Bed. In a statement to the media, Hodges proclaimed “My machine could potentially help diagnose the very same cancer it causes!”
LTPA received our first website hits from Libya yesterday. Hodges Mania seems to have swept the country, with many taking to the streets to chant “Hodges and Green!” When reached for comment, Libya’s Prime Minister Baghdadi Mahmudi said “new legislation has indeed been introduced to add the face of Hodges to our otherwise plain green state flag.”
TMZ has a blonde girl on staff who tends to talk a lot. We never thought she quite deserved a nickname, thinking it might offend those who’ve worked hard to earn their nicknames (Judge Dreads, Dax Fashion, the Chubbies, Balding Lisping, etc…) Well, that blonde girl has earned her nickname now! LTPA invites you to join TMZ’s Judge Dreads, Droop Doggy Dog, and giggling Max Hodges in welcoming GOLD DIGGING SLUT!
If you had to pick out two lonely saps from the cast of unfortunates on TMZ, odds are you’d pick Chubby Spikey and Chubby Ballcap. LTPA has recently obtained shocking footage of the TMZ Chubbies paired up together on one of the most awkward blind dates in the history of dating. Sources say the TMZ big boys had been chatting to each other online for the last several weeks. Apparently QT_CHUBCAP99 and CHBYSPKY4U never realized that their flirty emails were brightening the day of someone just a few cubicles away. This weekend the two finally met up for a non-online date! When Spikey arrived at an agreed upon LA coffee shop, he saw that the person who was “in the corner wearing a red ballcap” was his coworker, Chubby Ballcap! Despite their shock, the two nonchalantly decided it’d be silly to cancel their dinner reservations and continued the date as scheduled.
First the two heavies plopped into a paddle boat for a fun picnic on the water.
Next, it was off to dinner at Fuddruckers, where it only took a few drinks for Chubby Ballcap to reveal that he thinks Chubby Spikey is “super cute.”
The evening wound down with drinks and dancing at Avalon, where the two got a little closer than we expected. In the post date interview with an LTPA correspondent, Chubby Ballcap revealed he’d love to have a chance at a second date with Spikey. Sadly, Chubby Spikey said his wife probably won’t let them go out again. MAX HODGES commented on the date, saying “It’s so hot that they finally hooked up… they’ve both got awesome jugs!”
Not only is TMZ’s MAX HODGES the go-to source for today’s top news and information, but he’s also a world-class birthday party magician! This weekend Hodges performed at the home of Kyle Johnson, 11, of Irvine, CA. In the middle of Max’s Sponge Ball routine (which he performs to the theme from Star Wars), Kyle and his friends began booing Hodges the Great, saying they’d seen Criss Angel do REAL magic on TV. After Hodges began to weep, he was paid and asked to leave immediately. LTPA caught up with him outside the Johnson’s home, where Hodges had this to say through his tears: “That Criss Angel… HE’S SO FRICKING COOL, I HATE HIM!!! I dare him to try and survive that crowd in there… those kids are animals!” No word from Angel’s representatives on whether he’ll accept Hodges’ challenge or not.
Max Hodges visits Washington, D.C. to observe Congress as it happens.
TMZ’s Max Hodges recently went before Congress with completely unrealistic expectations. Several weeks ago Hodges overheard a coworker say that in Washington D.C. people can observe Congress in action. “I was shocked how excited he was about it,” the coworker recalls, “normally he doesn’t care about politics at all.” Within hours, Hodges had planned his own trip to our nation’s capital to view Congress for himself. Almost immediately after the session began, Hodges bellowed “LESS TALK, MORE CONGRESS!!!” He continued to talk loudly, complaining to the person next to him “90% of these dudes are dudes… but at least I’m not paying to watch this time.”Hodges was soon ejected from the capital building, after which he told an LTPA correspondent “it’s not the worst congress I ever had… I didn’t cry afterwards.”
Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Best Of Hodges, TMZ | Posted on 11-18-2008
LTPA has created a great new reference to help you get to know the featured “reporters” on TMZ! Take a look in the top menu bar for Who’s Who at TMZ. We recommend making flash cards and quizzing your friends! For example:
-This decrepit TMZ groupie is an unemployed friend of Harvey Levin’s…
If you said Cake Decorator, YOU’RE RIGHT!
-According to sources inside TMZ, this non-newsboy is the “fan favorite…”
If you said MAX HODGES, YOU’RE RIGHT!*
*We would also accept “That idiot with the long blonde hair.”
This can be great fun for you and your loved ones throughout the Holiday Season!
Posted by LTPA Staff | Posted in Best Of Hodges | Posted on 11-17-2008
Do you desire Hodges news but not have time to read the ENTIRE HodgesReport? We understand… it is pretty extensive. We recommend the new Best of Hodges! link at the top of the sidebar. There you can focus in on only the biggest and most relevant breaking Max Hodges stories. Enjoy!
TMZ’s MAX HODGES auditioned for Jeopardy! this week. Hodges introduced himself to the shows producers with an enthusiastic handshake, saying “Alright! Let’s get this jeo-PARTY started!” Upon meeting the other candidates, Hodges clapped his hands together loudly and yelled “YEAH!!! LET’S GET THIS JEO-PARTY STARTED!!!” Once the questions were being asked, it became clear that no one was quicker with the buzzer than Hodges. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” says one producer “NO ONE could get their button pressed before Hodges. He’d be unstoppable if he knew any answers.” Sources inside the audition say Hodges rang in immediately after every question was read, screaming “JEOPARDY!!!” When it was explained to him that he was in last place with negative $58,000, Hodges immediately began to weep uncontrollably, muttering again and again that “this jeo-party sucks.” Shortly thereafter he was escorted out of the studio.
