HodgesReport.comConstantly Reporting on TMZ Reporter Max Hodges

Last week TMZ’s fan favorite “reporter” MAX HODGES seemingly wondered aloud if a celebrity walking to his car is really such a big deal. In the video, Hodges is heard saying “I cannot believe there are still hundreds of girls waiting to see Robert Pattinson… it’s insane, I just can’t believe it! He walks to the car, THAT’S IT!“ The comments are unexpected coming from someone who earns his meager livelihood reporting non-news minutia about celebrities walking to their cars every day.

Hodges’ analysis of the footage is strikingly similar to LTPA Spokesperson Gus’ description of paparazzi harassing John Mayer in the LTPA Introductory Video, even ending with the same bewildered “that’s it! Toolmaster Harvey Levin went on to explain that people who become obsessed with actors and wait around to catch a glimpse of them doing mundane things have minds “not rooted in reality.” This is a pretty good description of his entire staff.

Last week someone turned a TMZ cameraboy’s camera around, giving us all a shocking glimpse of a creature who actually goes out into the city to point bright lights in people’s faces and ask ridiculous questions. We’d like to share our observations of this guy with you. These characteristics may help you identify a TMZ cameraboy in case someday you’re bombarded with stupid questions while trying to eat a sandwich, walk to your car, or bring your child to the park.

For additional information on TMZ cameraboys, click here.

In keeping with our “better late than never” journalism philosophy, here’s a quick update on the story count battles that took place at the end of last week.

On Thursday MAX HODGES reclaimed his title as Non-News’ Most Fancy Boy with a disgraceful score of nine, narrowly edging out hair gel bandit Dax Fashion’s hefty seven points. Judge Dreads and his Droop Doggy Dog each earned five points.

On Friday it was business as usual as Max and Dax battled it out, each trying to worst the other. In the end, Hodges won by a nose… a baby elephant’s nose, that is. Despite TMZ striving to “own the best stories in Hollywood,” Harvey’s henchmen are well aware that story count regulations state the following: “stories about horses are worth more than stories about people, and in a tie, a horse story can decide the winner.” Although an elephant is most decidedly not a horse, story count officials have ruled that the elephant story breaks the tie in favor of Hodges.

Thursday’s Story Count -MAX HODGES: 9: -Dax Fashion: 7 -Judge Dreads: 5 -Droop Doggy Dog: 5 -Gold Digging Slut: 2 -Cake Decorator: 1 -Count Mustachio: 1 -Chubby Ballcap: 1 -Nasal Spray Bandit: 1 -Nameless Moron: 1 -Curly Squeaky: 1

Friday’s Story Count -MAX HODGES: 5.5 -Dax Fashion: 5 -Droop Doggy Dog: 4 -Judge Dreads: 3 -Groucho Glasses: 2 -Nasal Spray Bandit: 2 -Cake Decorator: 1 -Chubby Spikey: 1 -Balding Lisping: 1 -Deliverance: 1 -Count Mustachio: 1

Recent reports suggest that TMZ fan favorite MAX HODGES may be having a hard time handling the stress of being Hollywood’s most dim-witted non-news reporter. It’s been suggested by some that Hodges is unable to detach himself from his work when he leaves the office, constantly offering up meaningless narration of what’s going on around him. “Max just needs to relax somehow,” says a coworker speaking on the condition of anonymity, “I mean, there’s usually nothing newsworthy about the checkout line at Vons, but he can’t stop reporting on it. He’s like, I got this guy in front of me at Vons, and the dude is totally losing his hair. It does NOT look good. But the best part is he’s got like, 5 packages of these huge steaks… I mean, the dude is grillin!” This non-stop non-news reporting has landed Hodges in hot water in places like the gym, the movie theater, and public restrooms.

Shown above, a woman confronts Max Hodges in a coffee shop, demanding to know why he’s verbalizing every little thing that transpires. She refutes part of Hodges’ report on her caramel latte order, saying “There’s nothing wrong with this blouse, you idiot.”

Tuesday’s TMZ was another eye-opening look into the sweaty depths of Hollywood’s hottest stories. Fan favorite MAX HODGES delivered the inside scoop, breaking stories like “A Baby Elephant Born at the Zoo,” and revealed shocking paparazzi footage of A Celebrity Walking Around the Outside of Her House, when he offered his insightful commentary “I just don’t understand why she’s so upset about all this attention!” One thing you can bet Hodges DOES understand: The more articulate and better dressed Judge Dreads is out to get him!

Tuesday’s Story Count, 7/7/09 -Judge Dreads: 5 (High five!) -Max Hodges: 5 -Gold Digging Slut: 4 -Chubby Spikey: 4 -Dax Fashion: 3 -Droop Doggy Dog: 2 -Pippi Longstalker: 2 -Groucho Glasses: 2 -Nasal Spray Bandit: 2 -Lane Meyer: 1

In an unexpected admission on Monday, TMZ Toolmaster Harvey Levin revealed that he doesn’t think his show should be on TV. His revelation came during a hard-hitting investigative piece about Orlando Bloom walking to his car with family. During the footage, the TMZ cameraman is heard asking “Hey Orlando, are you a fan of bloomin onions?” Upon hearing this original and insightful question, Harvey Levin declared “We don’t deserve to be on the air… we really don’t.” Finally, Harvey… Something we completely agree on.

Monday’s episode of TMZ found challenger Dax Fashion racing head to head with TMZ fan favorite MAX HODGES. Dax Fashion matched Hodges story for story with hard hitting pieces of journalism like A Celebrity Has a Skinned Knee, and Celebrities Taking a Walk Along the Beach. In the end, Hodges was unable to best the hair gel hero, even by breaking the biggest stories in Hollywood, like A Celebrity Picking Up Take-Out Food and A Celebrity Walking to His Car.

Monday’s Story Count, 7/6/09 -Dax Fashion: 5 -Max Hodges: 5 -Gold Digging Slut: 4 -Droop Doggy Dog: 3 -Nasal Spray Bandit: 2 -Pippi Longstalker: 1 -Curly Squeaky: 1 -Count Mustachio: 1 -Nameless Moron: 1 -Judge Dreads: 1 -Groucho Glasses: 1 -Chubby Pasty: 1

Friday’s episode of TMZ was a battle royale of non-news tomfoolery. Despite his best efforts, MAX HODGES was unable to defeat Dax Fashion or Judge Dreads. At one point, Hodges became so flustered he referred to a baby as a “Twenty-one month year old.” At this time last year, Dax Fashion was considered the prime contender to challenge Hodges for the title of non-news nitwit extraordinaire. In recent months, however, he has settled complacently into a supporting role, only to emerge late last week to seek The Title once again. Judge Dreads has been giving Hodges a run for his money. The chime-in master scores more points than any other non-news non-personality, and last Thursday beat Max into humiliating submission with a crushing victory.

Thursday’s Story Count, 7/2/09 -Dax Fashion: 6 -Judge Dreads: 6 -Max Hodges: 6 -Gold Digging Slut: 5 -Nasal Spray Bandit: 4 -Chubby Ballcap: 3 -Pippi Longstalker: 3 -Big Momma: 2 -Droop Doggy Dog: 1 -Chubby Spikey: 1 -Balding Lisping: 1 -Curly Squeaky: 1 -Chubby Glasses: 1

Shown above, Dax Fashion reacts to speculation that he may have won the day’s Story Count Title, flailing his arms and jumping up and down as the results are tallied